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Sunday, March 15

The Semi-Homemade Party That Ended in a Trip to...

No, you're not seeing things. That, my friends, is Jordan Baker's very beautiful beverage fountain holding the Semi-Homemaker Party's official cocktail, the Lush Lagoon—a mixture of kiwi, vodka, midori, simple syrup, and jalapeno juice.

Now before I say how it tasted, let me preface my remarks with the acknowledgment that I've drank some nasty stuff in my lifetime. I've sipped cheap vodka that smelled like rubbing alcohol mixed with Country Time lemonade before high school football games. I've drank ridiculously colored "jungle juice" out of plastic Rubbermaid tubs by the gallon in musty college basements. I've taken shots in Spain consisting of liquor I'm pretty certain isn't legal in the U.S.... or Spain.

And I drank them all without relatively any pain or discomfort. They may have been a bit gross going down, but nothing a few chases of keg beer couldn't alleviate.

Well, no keg beer was getting the taste of Lush Lagoon out of your mouth.

To me, it was that undrinkable. I'd rather grind black licorice (a flavor I hate) into a fine paste and slurp that down every day than drink the Lush Lagoon. Sorry, Sandra!

In addition to bringing the crock pot buckle, I made something called Armadillo Eggs.

Just crescent rolls, sausage, jalapenos, and cheese. I was getting desperate to find an appetizer recipe on the day of the party, so the funny-sounding Armadillo Eggs won out!

Sandra would probably be very proud of my very smart, saavy shortcuts I made to her already short recipe. The store didn't have "pickled sliced jalapenos" so I just bought the regular mini-sliced ones. The store didn't have pre-shredded pepperjack cheese, so I just bought 4-cheese Mexican blend. Very smart, right?!

Also, I used Morning Star Farms veggie sausage instead of some nasty brown'n'serve stuff. I had a vegetarian in the bunch (Merideth) who was already planning on pre-eating before the party out of fear of having no options. I couldn't deny her at least one semi-homemade recipe.

The 'dillo eggs weren't that bad. But like Jordan said, "It's sausage, jalapenos, and dough. That's good shit, no matter who writes the recipe. In fact, it would pretty much be impossible to fuck that combination up." True that.

We got to the party a bit late and consequently missed out on the Oriental Pork Wrappers, which according to reports were actually pretty great... although that could be because the store was out of wonton wrappers and they had to make their own. NOT very semi-homemade! Cheating!

Also on offer at the party was Texas Mashed Potato Salad, Red Pepper and Tapenade Slices (which I thought was Digiorno Pizza topped with some add-ons), and Sweet and Spicy Slaw.

The potato salad used frozen, cubed potatoes and tasted like egg salad, which isn't my idea of a good potato salad. The red pepper things were pretty good, but then again I thought they were Digiorno for most of the night, so there you go. I'm not that big a fan of slaw in general. I could definitely taste the "spicy" in this sweet and spicy version, so take that as a semi-compliment, Sandra.

I wasn't full after eating a few armadillo eggs and drinking anything but lush lagoon, but had to move on to dessert.

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to sample the Sensuous Truffles.

Not because I have an aversion to eating canned frosting shaped into blobs on a plate, but because we got there an hour or so into the party and the "truffles" had softened into, well, blobs of canned frosting. Not the easiest thing to just pick up and pop in your mouth, I found. I didn't have a fork at the ready and liked to think I had enough self-respect to not lick a platter of frosting... so I abstained.

I also abstained from the Grape and Ricotta Crostata, which was pretty damn nasty looking. Sorry person who made it!

My pear and peach buckle, which I sadly don't have a serving suggestion (i.e.- topped with whipped topping) pic of, was not awful. The cake mix never really turned into anything resembling cake and the fruity mixture just turned into a gloppy, sugary mess. But it was sweet and kind of tasted like something edible. We had tons of leftovers and I threw it out the next day, but it wasn't that bad.

There were a few more recipes you can read about in Jordan's recap, too. We either got there too late to try them or everyone there warned us so strongly about trying them that we just stuck to drinks (not the lush lagoon, please!) and dough balls.

I must give Miss Jordan snaps for her beautiful party favors and decorations that Sandra herself would have been proud of. Each attendee received a party pail, adorned with ribbon and namecard, that was filled with goodies and a collectible Sandra Lee recipe card. Thanks Jordan!

It was a party of firsts for us. Our first crock pot dessert. Our first time spitting kiwi and jalapeno juice cocktails back into our glasses. Our first time ever leaving a dinner party, only to hit up McDonald's on the way home (*not lying).

Knew I shoulda just brought some "semi-homemade" quarter pounders with cheese. Could have avoided the extra trip.

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At 3/16/2009 1:08 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...


You are my hero not for making these treats, but for eating them.

You rock in my book for being such a daring soul!

At 3/16/2009 7:16 AM , Blogger JordanBaker said...

The frosting balls--erm, sorry, sensuous truffles--were pretty soft from the moment they were served. . . which I realized only after trying to pick them up with my fingers and coming away with brown goo under my nails.

And the Lush Lagoon was still better than the paint thinner sangria. Oy.

At 3/16/2009 11:22 AM , Anonymous Buck Rodgers said...

That food looks like space shit.

At 3/16/2009 1:37 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jacob -- you are so freaking Gay but cute!

At 3/16/2009 5:02 PM , Anonymous Alec Smart said...

You eat food like that and you will be sick to your bum.

At 3/16/2009 7:40 PM , Anonymous Mai said...

"Canned frosting shaped into blobs" omg ure hilarious -- they look very appetizing though ;)

At 3/16/2009 8:50 PM , Blogger grannymelissa said...

*giggle* Great post, Jacob! That whole thing was the best dang idea for a party that i've ever heard of. I mean.. how can it possibly get screwed up, when screwed-up is the whole thing you're shooting for? Brilliant!

Also? I think you're really brave for even trying a sip of that Lush Lagoon. Eegads.

At 3/16/2009 9:59 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...


That Lush Lagoon drink would come up faster than Sterno...

At 3/16/2009 10:43 PM , Anonymous Lana said...

Sounds like a disastrously great party! lol

At 3/16/2009 11:11 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you may have had too much liquid in your DumpCrockCake ... LOL But then again, I've never made it with canned peaches ... Usually only with appled / cherry / blueberry pie fillings and those puppies aren't juicy ...

Though, the results could be explained away as Aunt Sandie having too much of the Lush Lagoon when she "wrote" the recipe ... LOL

I think the truffles are supposed to be served straight from the fridge ... LOL

At 3/17/2009 3:14 AM , Blogger Prohomemaker.Com said...

I was laughing through the whole recap. Yep, the Lagoon sounded disgusting (this from a man in college who drank gin and Hawaiian Punch, while dressed as Joan Crawford in "Mommie Dearest." But I am a class act -- I took off my clip earrings before throwing up in the toilet.)

Kudos on the party!

At 3/17/2009 9:53 AM , Anonymous Gen said...

I think Lush Lagoon is what they gave the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay to make them tell where the WMD's are.

At 3/17/2009 9:58 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

You guys must be smoking something good that's all I can say. LOL.

At 3/17/2009 4:20 PM , Anonymous Alec Smart said...

Seriously. Sandra Lee wants her legions of followers to make "truffles" out of Betty Crocker frosting ? Add some sugar and cocoa powder. Have you read the ingredients on a can of this shit ?

What an insult to people around the world making real truffles.

At 3/18/2009 10:01 AM , Blogger Charles said...

Sounds fun, Jacob. A whole party dedicated to Aunt Sandy. I have to say though from the pics it looks like stuff that was made in a high school home economics class LOL! That mashed potato salad looks really bad, ugh. The tablescape and favors do sound awfully darn cute though! Wtg guys!

At 3/18/2009 11:45 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I would eat the armadillo eggs.........the rest of the stuff looks vile. I respect food too much to do that crap to it. I guess I need to lighten up?

At 3/29/2009 11:14 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Y'all actually ATE her appetizers? How disgusting is that? You ATE them? You are very, very brave. Those truffles are lame and trifling.


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