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Monday, August 6

Sandra Lee + Grilling + Copious Amounts of Booze

= Good Times.

I caught Aunt Sandra Lee's grilling special last night. It was just as I expected: filled with good advice and recipes I can't wait to try out*.

And while Aunt Sandy may be family friendly, I was still surprised to see her "G" rating.

I guess they gotta learn sooner or later.

Sandra Lee was out on the beach once again, only she was much more covered up than the infamous red dress episode.

Sorry man. Sandra actually dressed pretty identical to the two dudes who "helped out" during this grilling special.

Sandra did cook up quite a few meat and other cookout items during this special, but we all know we were watching for the cocktails.

Sandra didn't seem to like the fact that the men didn't make strong enough drinks, however.

The first guy made a NON-ALCOHOLIC drink consisting of lemonade and some other stuff that couldn't get Sandra out of bed if you poured it directly into her eyeballs.

The second guy made a drink with hot sauce and a lime-rimmed glass, but the only alcohol was a Corona beer! Once again, Sandy's going to need something stronger if you want any performance from her.

That's why Sandra had to take the cocktail making into her own hands. She made some sort of "backseat racecar iced tea" thing or something. While one sip could prove lethal for most normal humans, Sandra could probably mix it with her morning coffee.

Yeah, jot that recipe down. It'll come in handy come Labor Day.


It's 10:38 p.m. EDT. How's THAT for a Monday post?! Thanks for waiting!

* This is a paid statement and not necessarily the opinion of the writer and creator of Food Network Addict.

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At 8/06/2007 10:56 PM , Anonymous Gen said...

Yep, Aunt Sandy looked rather peeved when the first dude made a wimpy drink. Every time I watch Semi-Homemade Cooking and my hub comes in the room he says "Oh look it's that lush with the silicone again." Even my 8 year old daughter thinks she's hittin' the sauce. BTW, putting vanilla extract in Cool Whip does not make it taste homemade. Trust me.

Oh yeah. The tears of six witches!! Classic!

At 8/07/2007 12:33 AM , Blogger Marc said...

"You call that a cocktail!?"

She looks like skeleton in that picture.

At 8/07/2007 1:34 AM , Blogger Mark said...

I saw that episode maybe two weeks ago. I was kinda shocked when Sandra said "Holy Cow" after sipping one of the cocktails LOL.

At 8/07/2007 8:12 AM , Anonymous Jeff said...

The question shouldn't be...how does she look? It should be...can she cook?

At 8/07/2007 8:29 AM , Blogger JordanBaker said...

yeah, I still want to punch her in the throat.

And btw, jeff: she can't. At. All.

At 8/07/2007 9:14 AM , Blogger Stef said...

Aunt Sandy in black leather... my eyes! my eyes!

At 8/07/2007 3:58 PM , Blogger Jesse said...

I'm loving Aunt Sandy in black leather! Between her tacky tablescapes, her silicone bod, her suburban charm, her bubbly personality, and her love of the cocktail, she is everything I aspire to be someday, hahaha! :-) Aunt Sandy and Ina Garten are totally my modern day Barbra Streisand and Liza Minelli, LOL! :-)

At 8/07/2007 4:07 PM , Anonymous mundane said...

Don't forget her fancy new Jessica Simpson blond extensions!

At 8/07/2007 5:24 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I guess I can be open to being "flamed" on this one but I really like her show - granted I don't tape it like I do the real old standbys (the repeats of Mario and Sara Moulton) but I know a lot of people (perhaps initially as "superficial" as Auntie S appears to be) who really like to put thought into their entertaining (a.k.a. "tablescapes") and she does come up with handy ideas. My favorite show of hers had to be her Christmas special last year (2006), however, when she was just "gushing" all over some Italian hunk who was one of her guests (no doubt a "sleepover" wink wink). And being a South Florida wino I find her new drinks with each episode, well, refreshing. And c'mon she's turning her little nephew "Bryster" into a total little decorating queen - so she's clearly gay friendly too (as is Ina as well with all of her faboo Chelsea guests) so I say more power to Aunt Sandie!! Roberto desde la playa

At 8/07/2007 9:14 PM , Blogger jacob said...

gen: yeah, that cool whip trick is sick. love the "hittin' the sauce" line. i'll have to incorporate that into my act.

marc: skeletor is right.

mark: yeah, it was shocking.

jeff: well, i'll answer both questions: bad and no.

jordan: true dat.

stef: yeah, it's a bit much.

jesse: you're too much, jesse:-) i'm sure Ina would be honored to know that.

mundane: yeah, or perhaps there the new Paris Hilton line.

roberto: oh, no flames here. I don't think her show is bad at all (obviously); it's highly entertaining. I think she realizes the tongue-in-cheek factor of it all. how could she not?

At 8/08/2007 1:25 PM , Blogger Lester Hunt said...

Thanks for this hilarious post! BTW, I suspect that Sandra as a person is a lot more interesting than her show is. The Food Network's hour-long biography of her was quite watchable. ... And I may actually use her recipe for Sweet and Smoked Nuts. (Darn! There must be a joke there somewhere. Can't seem to find it though.)

At 8/09/2007 11:28 AM , Blogger Gregory said...

I was actually really surprised when Jacob said he had bloggers block. Aunt Sandy alone could be the subject of countless dishing and parodies..like the ones below..but remember they are parodies so they are not true at all (I think)...

Aunt Sandy on Camping Trip. Her nephew “Brycer” has failed to show up to admire the tablescape during filming and instead was playing at the lake:

Brycer (B): Aunt Sandy…I’m really, really sorry

Aunt Sandy (AS): You miserable, obnoxious little piece of crap. I wish you were dead! Dead! We discussed this. At the right moment, you were supposed to run in and say, in a completely natural and unrehearsed way, “Aunt Sandy.. that is the most beautiful tablescape in the world ..I love you so much more than my mommy and quite honestly I’ll never grasp the horrific treatment you endured at the hands of your despotic father despite the fact that you were the more beautiful and talented daughter.” But nooo, you were out playing…I would have liked to have played as a child but I wasted too much time cooking the conventional way, peeling carrots and the like, and it took away my childhood!!! And, you ungrateful turd, I think you are forgetting all I have done for you! Just last week I gave you an autographed copy of my Semi-Homemade Grilling book for your birthday. And let’s not forget that Aunt Sandy is aware of that little issue involving your mommy and embezzlement but the police will never find out as long as your family actively cooperates in building my semi-homemade empire. But do all of you appreciate the millions of hours I have saved the world with my shortcuts? Do you Bryce, and don’t expect me to call you Brycer, that’s for the on-camera shit, have any clue how I have revolutionized Cool Whip and Velveeta? They were once side components, now they are main dishes! Oh how I would like to PLAY too but don’t you see I have to completely retool this part of the campsite for my tablescape and remove parts of that unsightly lake!

…And you are just going to love my meth lab tablescape…it even has chloride and ephedrine and syringes used by real crack whores! But don’t worry, we will be keeping the Semihomemade Pledge---30% fresh ingredients, 100% lily white, so we won’t have any disturbing ethnic minorities…The crack whores featured in my tablescape are 100% white trash.

[Parody – not real]
Sandra Lee and Adrien S Launch Semi-Homemade U

Sandra Lee and Adrien S, 5th runner-up in the Next Food Network Star are kindred spirits. Sharp, resident of Jackson, Michigan says he and Sandra Lee are really kindred spirit: "We hit it off like gangbusters. We both are not into that heavy cooking thing and think most of the job can be done with canned and prepared foods. We got sick of that bitch Amy going on about her fancy-shmancy culinary training. We want to prove to people you don’t need no fancy culinary education at places like Cordon Bleu, the CIA or Diary Queen’s Frosty Training Program. So we are launching our own SEMIHOMEMADE UNIVERSITY. There we will teach people that they are golden if they can open a can and spread some Coolwhip. But our 4-year program with an annual $85,000 tuition has much more: A Velveeta and Coolwhip Master Class, advanced tablescaping techniques, kitchen coordinating seminars, basic, advanced and super-duper advanced mixology, poison-control and emergency first aid class, classes on credential faking and forcing estranged relatives to be part of your cooking show and a special seminar on curtain hanging taught by Florence Henderson herself! I think what really sold Sandy was my Twinkie Surprise. It was a Twinkie with Coolwhip and MM’s on it. No one knew we didn't spend hours making it from scratch! So she told me if I’d do her two or three times, I'm on board...

At 8/09/2007 7:25 PM , Blogger Jennifer said...

ROFL!!! Those pictures are hilarious. I missed that episode.

At 8/13/2007 11:36 AM , Blogger jacob said...

lester: haha...yeah, smoked nuts are always great.

gregory: that is hilarious. now we just need them to act that out.

jennifer: oh you best catch it. it's great.

At 8/14/2007 1:31 PM , Anonymous Mussakka said...

Gregory, that's too frickin' funny. Now I have to clean Diet Coke off my monitor.

At 9/25/2007 2:47 PM , Anonymous Mad Mike said...

You forgot the two bottles of cough syrup in the cocktail recipe - whoo-hoo!

She's a lush with big knockers who can whip up a snack in nothin' flat - every guy's dream. She's so bad she's good.

At 11/01/2007 11:04 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

That recipe for Aunt Sandy's lethal (well, for the rest of us anyway) cocktail was hilarious!!!!! I had tears rolling down my face!


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